Today I have a sense of hope, not because anything in my life has changed, but maybe a little of my perspective. I was feeling lost and overwhelmed — looming debt, frustrations with work, and the constant feeling that I’m failing at all of my relationships. Then someone struck me, not with the back of her hand but with a wide eyed glare and the tough love, only a friend that makes you believe in it from an unconditional sense, can deliver.
Last night I stayed at a friend’s house — very un-cool during a pandemic, but more like a roommate/soulmate bond that would allow for closeness during Quarantine. Part of our “fun” girl’s night in, was to work on my budget, as she knows I have been swimming in debt for quite sometime and have yet to figure a way out. I don’t even let my Mom, who up until a couple of years ago was linked to my bank account, see all my statements, but I let her because I knew she would never make me feel guilty or fearful for the abyss that is the hole I live. Mind you, I have debt lower than most people’s student loans, but it’s not student loans — it’s credit cards. I got there from years of bad advice and a taught mentality to “just use your credit card, that’s what it’s there for”, instilled in me at the beginning of the last recession. But we did it, we worked for what felt like forever — in actuality probably 45 minutes — and afterward I felt deflated, but hopeful.
This morning I awoke early, because payday always gives me a surge of “if at first you don’t succeed” kind of assurance. My girl and I had some morning chit-chat as we started to get ready for the day, and then all the fears that have been building in me since the pandemic started, began to surge again. Now I don’t have to tell you, when it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a friend, I have a tendency to go into motor mouth mode, as I feel like a catch up has been forever overdue. As well as, we all know I’m a bit of a motormouth to begin with. Then the crux of my fears seeped out, the deep dark side of my psychosis bled, and I realized they were the words you rarely say to other people, let alone to yourself in the mirror, and what it comes down to is that you feel like you are completely unworthy of all things good. Then the wide eyes looked back at me and the tough love came out. A toughness that always makes her 5'-4" stature seem like 7'-8".
What she said absorbed in my brain — she gave it to me very real and very direct. She reminded me to get out of my head, as that is the only realm those thoughts could ever be considered true and that if I were to live in those thoughts, I would procure it into reality. She then immediately found a spare notebook, wrote “My Happy Thoughts” on the cover with a heart, tossed it in front of me, pointed and said “You are to write three things you are grateful with, starting today, actually starting yesterday. You’re going to do this happiness journey with me, to focus on the positive and get out of your head! Nip those thoughts in the butt!” She then went on to tell me that those thoughts weren’t real. What is real is, it’s been really hard, for EVERYONE. We are in the middle of a pandemic, we are all afraid of losing our jobs, among our friends who have yet to lose them, and just watching the year pass by why we sit and wait. Our situation is not unusual, it’s not even that difficult compared to others who have actually lost people during this time, it’s just hard, and that’s ok. In order to get through it, we have to remind ourselves to be grateful for what we do have — every day, even when we don’t want to, even when it’s hard, because we have to move forward, otherwise the stillness of waiting for this to be over, will only feel that much more great.
My first journal entry into my little brown notebook with the sharpie sketched heart, was that I was so grateful for my friend. My second was for you, for challenging me recently. My friends, family, and boyfriend are the one constant that have been pushing me through this time, and when I think of that I realize, how could I ever feel unworthy when I’ve been so lucky with those I have in my life.
I will write again soon — I love you!
L
